Within the past year,
You could say I have been through hell and back.
What people say is scary,
It is like being at the shallow end of your local kiddie pool.
Seeing hell for what it really is,
Was like jumping down straight into an active volcano,
Or drowning into the depths of the ocean,
Feelings I have never had before,
Not knowing if you are going to offically give in once and for all.
You keep saying,
"Take me now".......
But do you really mean it?
Can you say it full heartedly knowing how many people would be devistated,
would you be happy the way things went down?
The demons that tourment me day in and day out,
Remind me of everything negative that was said and went down.
As I look in the mirror I rip off my shirt,
I shred it into pieces because I am hurt.
My soul hurts, it screams for attention, love and emotion to over come the numbness inside.
My body hurts physically, I am in pain from the fresh cuts as deep as trenches lying above major viens.
My mind is exhausted, mentally I am on overload processing normal functions,
while helping the dead along the way.
My hands grip the sink as tight as vices,
so hard one vien is twitching looking as though it might come off my hand.
Tears begin rolling down my face and I begin to scream.
"GOD ARE YOU THERE?
ARE YOU LISTENING?
DO YOU CARE ANYMORE?
WHAT IS LEFT OF MY LIFE TO LIVE FOR?
I CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!
HAVE YOU LEFT ME?"
Then something came over me,
I colaspe and hit the shower tub,
Fully consious I did not move or scream,
I just laid there.
As unsure as I was about what just happened a voice came into my head.
"I do love you, daughter of Christ, everything will be alright."
and then a familar voice came into my head,
more of a converstation me and a certain boy had.
Something I needed to hear.
Me: Promise me something?
Me: Promise me that no matter how hard I push you away that you will always be here and not go anywhere.
Him: I promise.
With that I got up and dialed his number,
to my surprise he was still there,
a smile crept across my face as I heard the words,